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Dale had just turned 19. She was a soft looking teenager everyone made fun of. With her large blue eyes, and sweet expression no one ever took her seriously. In shops, people often treated her as a child, and her mother couldn’t help pat her smooth head with an idiotic smile on her face. “That’s my pretty doll.” As if neighbors and friends didn’t know already.
Dale bit her lips, as she walked up Grafton Street Dublin
Halloween’s pumpkins grinned at her from every shop’s window. She glanced at her orange finger nails polish with satisfaction. She felt weird. Something so vain… It made her feel better. She sighed. She felt like a puppy. Hollow. Strange how she could still marvel at details, huh? She was superficial.
Dale laughed aloud, her thin fingers brushing through her red hair. She couldn’t remember when she’d starting doing this. Surely after she’d grown her hair long again, to please her mother. It was high time she started to act more like a lady, she’d said. Was it? Wasn’t that kind of thinking outdated? She shook her head. It was no use getting annoyed over that. It was so long ago.
The girl reached St Stephen’s Green and glanced at the mall on her right side. Last time she’d been in was with Rori. Had she ever gone there on her own? She didn’t remember. How depressing… Rori never forgot things. Rori could call up any memories from their teenage. She bit her lips again and kicked some dust. Some pigeons stared at her curiously. She felt ludicrous. Childish. She crossed the street and entered the park with a sigh. It wasn’t especially wide, but the trees were so beautiful during autumn, she loved sitting on a bench to watch the passers-by walk through and the kids play tag. She tried to imagine Rori run wild as a child, but strangely she couldn’t. It made her a little sad to realize how little she actually knew about the other girl.
“Well, you’re it.” A boy cried out and escaped.
Yes, she was it and trying to catch Rori while that girl kept eluding her wasn’t always a fair game.
The lady on the bench lit a cigarette and took a deep breath staring blankly in front of her. Dale leveled her chin and met the empty black gaze with curiosity. The woman had soft brown hair and dark eyes that made her look foreign in the country of red hair and freckles. Dale twisted her mouth at the stupidity of her own reflections and looked away. Yet her eyes crawled back to the stranger’s face. There was something appealing in the way her white hand brought the cigarette to her red mouth in a slow casual gesture. She wore deep red nail polish that matched her lipstick.
Dale walked to the bench and sat herself decidedly. Why? She shrugged to herself. She wanted to prolong this unusual moment. It was tasty. She had a weird smile. The woman took another drag, and flipped her hand gracefully to get rid of the ashes. Dale coughed.
“You’re unused to the smell…” The lady noticed.
Dale nodded, with a shy look.
“I don’t smoke.”
A distant smile brushed on the woman’s lips, as she exhales.
“I would have been surprised if you did.”
Would that lady show surprise at anything? Dale found the very notion confusing. She tried to read her expression from the side but got lost in the contemplation of her profile. It had neither youth nor unexceptionable beauty but it was outrageously human. Fascinating.
“I’m Dale,” she heard herself offer half apologetic.
“Maddie. Nice to meet you, Dale.”
Having her name devoured so easily made the girl squirm a little. She blushed slightly and turned an absent gaze to the birds fluttering in the trees. The woman took another long drag at her cigarette but her eyes remained still. Dale thought of Rori and how completely opposite to that woman she looked. Rori’s blond hair and pale skin gave off a feeling of genuine purity. It was entrancing. Like very young children... Dale smiled to herself.
“You’re in love?”
Dale turned toward the woman with shock.
“Everyone at your age is…”
The short smirk she flashed the girl meant something different. She took another drag, aloof.
After a cool moment, Dale twisted her head a little, falsely casual.
“It does not mean anything…”
“Hmm…”
The woman eyes fluttered. Was she still there?
“I learned to notice such things.”
Dale stopped for a few minutes, thoughtful. A plump boy kicked a ball and burst out laughing. His clothes were all muddy.
“From your job?”
Maddie’s face froze and she dropped the butt of her cigarette on the ground.
“From work…”
Was that a yes? It sounded more like a question. Dale didn’t want to talk about her personal issues yet she felt an urge to know about her nonchalant companion. Selfish as usual… She shook her head impatiently.
“I’m a student… What’s your job?” she tried out.
The older woman’s eyes followed a toddler for a few seconds before she answered.
“I catch butterflies.”
Dale’s eyes went round as she stared at the lady expecting her to laugh off her own words. But her expression remained mute, as she silently caressed the rim of her coat. Passers-by threw glances at the two women as they went through the park. It was a little unnerving. Dale squirmed. Again.
“So you go to places and bring rare species, or something like that?” Dale explained aloud.
Maddie nodded in silence. The girl’s surprise turned into genuine marvel, as she pictured a green field full of colorful sparks. It reminded her of some cartoons she used to watch as a child. Rori would look good in such a situation, she observed silently.
“I wish I could do this!”
Maddie glanced at her, a wry smile twisting her otherwise still mouth.
“I don’t think you would like it.”
Dale pouted.
“Maybe not…”
She paused to give it a thought yet got lost in her own wandering reflections. She was always the one doing all the running and catching. Well, did she really like it? She shook her head with a pang of annoyance. She was too greedy. She lifted her head and met Maddie’s curious gaze on her.
“It’s tiring being the one to run, is it?” Maddie stated more than she asked.
Dale shrugged again, not knowing what to answer. She wanted the older woman to go on. There was something soothing in her words. But after a few minutes it seemed like nothing more would come out of the red lips.
“Then why do you do it? I mean, if you find it tiring…”
Maddie smiled again. That wry twisted smile.
“Don’t we all like chasing after what’s beautiful?”
The girl tried to consider the question seriously for a few minutes, chewing her lips a little while she thought. It made the woman laugh. Yet she finally came out with something she didn’t felt ashamed of.
“No, we run after what we lack. And you’re beautiful.”
The woman laughed coolly this time.
“It pays well.”
“You could do something else. You’re pretty.”
“Well, still it pays.”
Dale frowned, but Maddie brushed it off with a hand flip.
“You’re young. It’s sweet.”
Dale stared at her orange nails blankly. She hated it. As if, because of her age, her feelings were just half feelings. She noticed Maddie’s gaze on her profile and turned a little to face her. Challenging.
“I’m not that young. I turned nineteen last week.”
Maddie nodded with a genuine smile.
“I remember when I was your age. Everything tasted better.”
“My life taste like pumpkin. I hate it.”
Maddie laughed a little.
“You’re a strange girl… I don’t understand what you mean.”
Dale shrugged, pouting.
“Pumpkin has such a bright color, you always expect it to taste more!”
Maddie laughed again sweetly, drawing a blush from the girl.
“I’m childish, I know. But whatever, it’s just how I feel…”
“Get yourself a chocolate life then,” the woman joked.
Dale’s face brightened.
“Looks like mud but tastes great!”
The women exchange a sweet look and for a split second Dale felt relieved. A girl in the park threw a ball for her beagle that went running with happy yapping. Maddie took out another cigarette and lit it.
“Doesn’t it taste like ashes?”
“Worse.”
“Then why do you smoke?”
“I’ve lost my taste a long time ago.”
Dale shut up a few minutes, trying to figure out what the woman’s life could be like. There was a feeling of incompleteness in her life, yet nothing that could deprive her of the sweet joys of small things. Even without Rori, she could still laugh, or couldn’t she?
“You’re thinking about that again,” Maddie notice with a knowing smile. “So you have a boyfriend?”
Dale blushed and shook her head. She didn’t really know what she felt, so talking about it was halfway between impossible and indecent for her.
“How is it to catch butterflies, if you dislike it?” she came out again.
Maddie shrugged, and stared at the girl with the dog indifferently.
“Do you hurt them?”
“Yes.”
Maddie didn’t smile. She remained still like a doll, not even looking at the dog anymore. Dale shuddered.
“Why?”
“It’s like that. And it brings some people pleasure.”
Dale thought of Rori. Was it ok to hurt someone, because you wanted to shackle them? But who shackled whom? Wasn’t it beauty that possessed you in the end?
“But you kill them?”
There was reproach in her ton despite herself.
“Do you know how long a butterfly lives?”
“No, I…”
“Only a few days, I don’t really deprive them of anything. And then, they exist almost forever…”
“Don’t you feel pity? Aren’t you sad to hurt them?” she pleaded with a pang of despair in the voice.
“No.”
“Why?”
“Because we all hurt others. That’s how you know you’re still in there.”
Dale’s shocked expression met Maddie’s cool gaze as the lady took a long drag.
“I don’t understand you,” the girl lied.
Maddie glanced at her with a dubious grin.
“Don’t mind me, I’m just tired.”
“But why? I mean you dislike being hurt don’t you?”
“Maybe not that much.”
Maddie grabbed the girl’s wrist and dug her long nails into the soft flesh.
“See, you feel you’re alive.”
“There are other ways!”
Dale felt a rush of anger merge with her feeling of uselessness.
“You’re young. That’s sweet.”
“No, butterflies are so pretty, don’t you feel ashamed killing them?” Dale tried again pitifully.
“People find them pretty, that’s why they like to collect them. I just give them what they want. As far as I am concerned I hate them. I find them disgusting.”
“Really?”
“Yes. They aren’t even entertaining. Beauty is boring... Pain is different. Haven’t you noticed how it’s always the best part in love?”
Dale searched the woman’s expression with anguish. She felt out of breath, for some unclear reasons. She didn’t want to hear the words that followed. It frightened her.
“I kissed someone… hmm… by accident,” she changed the subject.
“By accident?”
Maddie laughed, almost whole-heartedly. Such a relief. Dale giggled. Strangely saying it in this nonchalant way made it feel like it wasn’t so serious. She wasn’t so serious.
“Well, it’s about companionship I think…”
Maddie’s blurry gaze focused on Dale swiftly.
“It is strong, so I guess it feels like love.”
“Then why shouldn’t it be love?” the woman asked with simple curiosity.
Dale shrugged.
“You’re weak. Strange… I don’t remember being like this at your age.”
Dale’s face froze in plain shock, a pang of anger twisting her pretty mouth.
“How can you know anything,” she replied coolly.
“I know a coward when I see one.”
There was neither annoyance nor judgment in the woman’s words. It was only a plain statement. And the sentence hurt like a slap, even coming from a stranger. Dale bit her lips, avoiding the woman’s cruelly indifferent eyes.
“You just don’t give a damn whom you hurt. It’s easy for you,” she stammered.
A cold laugh escaped Maddie’s mouth.
“You’re right, it’s easy for me. I’m already old, so I don’t expect much anymore…”
“So you think it gives you the right to hurt others?” Dale had to go on.
Maddie laughed again.
“I definitely think it’s all right to hurt others. To hurt myself…”
“You’re mad.”
The lady smiled calmly.
“Am I? Yet I ask for what I want. You’re just too afraid to desire.”
“Am I?” Dale tried to mimic the elder woman.
“You’ll end up getting nothing.”
Dale felt uneasy. The dog’s barks annoyed her a little. She couldn’t think straight with the noise.
“You don’t know anything,” she repeated lamely.
“You’re right. It’s none of my concern. I have my lives and I do what I have to do. I might dislike what I am, but at least I am not a disgusting hypocritical weakling.”
“Well, I’m not that either!”
“If you say so.”
Still no anger in the woman’s ton. Dale felt cold. Bruised.
“You’re dirty. Everyone must hate you.”
The woman got pale with anger.
“The only one you’re afraid to hurt, little girl, is yourself. You don’t even try, so that there’s no risk you’ll lose anything. You’re the dirty one.”
Dale blushed.
“I… I…”
“Shut up! Decide what you want, and stop making those puppy eyes! Everyone has to make hard choices…”
Maddie wiped her mouth with the back of her hand, with a nervous move. For a few seconds, she looked unsettled. Then her gaze came back to the running dog and her breathing calmed down a little. When she talked again, she was cool again.
“What is it you want?”
Dale shook her head. She couldn’t bring herself to ask herself the question. It felt weird. So she answered off beam.
“I don’t know what love is. Is it fascination, or companionship, or relationship, or sex?”
Maddie looked disappointed and shrugged.
“It’s whatever you decide it to be.”
Dale’s perplexed eyes remained on the other woman as if expecting something more, but Maddie shook her head.
“Whatever it’s getting late and I don’t know much…”
“Can I touch your hair?”
Maddie looked surprised, but her face relaxed a little when she met Dale’s genuine look.
“Go ahead.”
Dale’s timid fingers went through the lady’s hair twice.
“I’m sorry…”
Maddie’s voice was strangely soft… Like her hair.
She paused for a few minutes then suddenly resumed her talking.
“Know what? You want a good way to get rid of this? Offer your friend a box of chocolates and put all your feelings in it. Don’t accept to share any of them! Then when all your feelings have been eaten there’s nothing left for you to torment yourself about.”
She got up with a weird throaty laugh.
“Then it’s just over, isn’t it?” Dale couldn’t help but ask.
She disliked the notion.
“It is. But you’re not the one with the bittersweet taste in the mouth.”
Maddie laughed again, but Dale only stared at the beagle that kept going back to her young mistress. Run and catch.
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